Christians have the best sex

Photo by Filipe de Rodrigues on Unsplash

For a Christian, sex is about more than just enjoyment. Sex is a kind of holy duty that is performed to produce the Family, which pleases God and Fatherland. If sex happens to be enjoyable, that is just a nice bonus. True Christians don’t worry about if they’re good at sex, if they could have better sex somewhere else, if their neighbour is having more sex than them, like we do. Because enjoyment is not the purpose of sex for a Christian, they are free to actually enjoy it.

And even their enjoyment is better than our enjoyment. For us, enjoyment of sex mostly deals with how well certain nerve endings were stimulated. But for a Christian, there is the enjoyment of doing something transgressive, something naughty, something taboo. Because even though sex is something like a patriotic duty, that doesn’t mean it’s completely de-fanged. The church fathers strictly forbade any sexual act that didn’t lead to the production of the Family, like gay sex. With that, the church unintentionally gave sex the aura of a dangerous drug, something too good to be allowed. Just like if the government would suddenly denounce cherry pie as immoral and forbade it, everybody would be immediately tempted to eat cherry pie, looking up recipes online in incognito mode.

So Christianity says: here is something that feels so good that it will definitely stray you off the spiritual path, but in certain circumstances you get to do it anyway, and then it’s even applauded. So Christians get to have their cake and eat it too. They get to have their perverse enjoyment and the satisfaction of doing their duty. And in this case, the whole is larger than the sum because the enjoyment is heightened, made extra perverse, because it fulfills this noble duty.

Of course, this all comes at the price of feeling ashamed about any non-heteronormative sexual desire, so we can’t really go back to that. But will we ever have sex as good as a devout Christian couple on their wedding night? I’m not so sure.

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